We’ve all been there, or have we? I wanna be something else, something new, something old, all I know is I wanna be something different, something exciting, something relaxed, but just something different.

Am I going to do anything about this? Unlikely. Do I truly, whole heartedly want something different , come back to me later, I need to think about it a bit more. But the idea of change is trilling, but not new. I am now that which this time last year I wanted, and this time last year I really really wanted it. Now? I’m content to a certain extent, but I want more, or sometimes I want less.

It was easy last year, But only looking back at it. I had less responsibilities, less stuff, less money, less hope, less freedoms, but I had more dreams. And those dreams were attainable, but only looking back on them. When I was there all they were was dreams, and I thought I couldn’t really get them, now that I do have them, the struggles are forgotten about, the endless waiting, years of waiting condensed into weeks, into days. The unknown, the bleakness, the fear. Even writing about them makes my heart start to speed up, I can feel the sweat again, the anxiousness building in my chest, in my stomach, the doubt, my god was there doubt. Doubting my abilities, doubting my prospects, doubting the process, doubting the people who I was giving money to, to do their jobs.

So where are we now? I suppose a place of quiet contentment with added moments of hope. Sometimes hope, sometimes I allow myself that. I’m not un-happy, I’m actually pretty happy with life currently. I just know I want more of it, more of life. As cliched as it sounds, I am on a journey, and I hope if you have read this rambling to this part you might want to keep going with me on this journey.

M