TheLostWannaBe

I just wanna be that

Jul 29th, 2023

We’ve all been there, or have we? I wanna be something else, something new, something old, all I know is I wanna be something different, something exciting, something relaxed, but just something different.

Am I going to do anything about this? Unlikely. Do I truly, whole heartedly want something different , come back to me later, I need to think about it a bit more. But the idea of change is trilling, but not new. I am now that which this time last year I wanted, and this time last year I really really wanted it. Now? I’m content to a certain extent, but I want more, or sometimes I want less.

It was easy last year, But only looking back at it. I had less responsibilities, less stuff, less money, less hope, less freedoms, but I had more dreams. And those dreams were attainable, but only looking back on them. When I was there all they were was dreams, and I thought I couldn’t really get them, now that I do have them, the struggles are forgotten about, the endless waiting, years of waiting condensed into weeks, into days. The unknown, the bleakness, the fear. Even writing about them makes my heart start to speed up, I can feel the sweat again, the anxiousness building in my chest, in my stomach, the doubt, my god was there doubt. Doubting my abilities, doubting my prospects, doubting the process, doubting the people who I was giving money to, to do their jobs.

So where are we now? I suppose a place of quiet contentment with added moments of hope. Sometimes hope, sometimes I allow myself that. I’m not un-happy, I’m actually pretty happy with life currently. I just know I want more of it, more of life. As cliched as it sounds, I am on a journey, and I hope if you have read this rambling to this part you might want to keep going with me on this journey.

M
I just wanna be done…

Jan 25th, 2024

Folks, I feel like I’m just banging my head off of a wall, banging and banging, and my brain is slowly turning to mush. I will try my hand at most things, the outliers are plumbing and electrics, I tend to give those a miss as screwing up in those areas can have large consequences. Saying that, changing sockets, light fixtures, no problem at all. Rewiring or adding sockets, I’m not doing that, don’t trust myself.

We bought an old house a couple of years ago, a small-single story cottage, it needed work, we were happy to get our hands dirty and jump in at the deep end. I had read all the books and watched all the YouTube videos I could find, so anything that could pop up I’d be ready, I might not know how to fix it, but I thought I would know enough that I could talk to someone about it and have them fix it, while having a chance of knowing what they were talking about. Here’s where the head banging comes into place.

Every single tradesperson bar one we got in screwed something up and had to come back to fix the issue. We have an amazing plumber, they do amazing work and we have never had any issue what so ever with them. Everything else has been a pain, a slow drawn-out anxiety inducing numbness, the kind of feeling you get when you know you have to get that tooth pulled, but if I keep putting it off it might just fall out by itself. Yes I am an adult, and I nearly never put off important things, at times.

I am so tired with getting someone in to do something, waiting for them to come, Oh, you’ll come Monday, great, but what Monday? It’s never the next one, most times it’s not even the following one, sometimes it’s never, I am still waiting on certain trades to come back to start something which they said they would over 12 months ago, the issues have been solved, but I’m still waiting for that van to come down the driveway, someday…

I’m currently waiting for someone who screwed up to contact me, I want to give them time to come and fix it, but I’m also in a position where I really can’t wait for it to take ages. It needs to be sorted now. Tomorrow morning is the deadline that I have in my head and I hope they get back to me before then, I don’t do conflict and I also give lots of second chances, but I’m tired of it, I really am, and it’s getting so much harder to be patient, to be relaxed and care free and go, It’ll be grand, it’s not a big deal. But it is, and each issue I have faced that needed them out again to make right has driven me down into the earth that I so wanted to be in love with, I want to love where I live and I want to love my house, but it’s hard. My brain is toying with the idea of selling up and just being done. Saying goodbye to the place where I’ve called home for the last nearly two years, where I have for once in my life felt perfectly safe.

Am I going to leave? Probably not. Writing this, and having a whiskey has helped, but I still feel sad inside, and I think that sadness is thinking that no one else cares for my house and my land. But I care.

I just wanna be that

I just wanna be done…